A Request To The Congregation: Stop Shaming Single Women
Guest Blogger VeeBee stopped by to tell y’all something! And it’s soooooooo good! Prepare those edges for the snatching! Ha!
Lady Mel
I am a single woman who loves God. I’m 36, never married, no kids, educated, have my own stuff, have all my teeth, all the things.
I make a good bag, pay my bills early, mind my business and my edges, and I have an amazing life that includes incredible friends and a loving family.
I do yoga, go to therapy, keep a clean house, and I have passport stamps and museum receipts- cultured honey and only a little sophisti-ratchet when I need to be.
By societal standards, I’m good and doing me. So why is it that at the church house all of this is a “problem” and I am CONSTANTLY questioned by the “You not married yet?” chorus?
Three times now I have been memorably accosted by people who likely meant well, but greatly offended me with their foolishness. This is not just the dreaded inquiry at a family gathering. These are church people who don’t know me, but felt comfortable to insert themselves into my business in Jesus’ name.
There was “Sister No Couth” who asked me if I was “damaged goods”, which I later understood was her callous and culturally inept way of asking me if I was a lesbian.
There was “Sister Prove Yourself” who proposed that men in the church needed to see me fixing their plates so they would deem me worthy of being a wife.
And most recently there was “Bishop Won’t Call His Last Name” who asked me why I wasn’t married and then proclaimed in front of an audience, “You so pretty, we got to get you married!”.
Sir, isn’t your own daughter single? Worry about yourself!
So First Lady Mel, I come to you and the people. Humbly as I know how. Seeking understanding (and a means to silence the pews).
With a make-up of 70% women, the church, and more pointedly the singles ministry, is hardly a place that I would consider an equitable pipeline for courting. Fewer pastors are preaching holiness and courtship, and despite the culture, I’m not looking for a hook-up.
More and more church folk (including pastors) are getting divorced. Some of y’all stay unhappily married to the enemy, living like roommates, and having online boyfriends on the side. Melinda (Bill) Gates and Sonya (Dell) Curry didn’t even make it out of the pandemic with their husbands and they been married since Hector was a pup. It fascinates me that so many people don’t make marriage look good, but they stay pressed about what I’m doing or not doing.
I propose that if you’re not a part of the solution, you are now a part of the problem. Because while some of you were out here at the church peddling chicken dinners trying to prove your “wife worthy" quotient, you left your sons at home and they ain’t nothing I want to be married to.
If you didn’t raise your son to be a husband, stop asking me why I’m not a wife!
Has it not occurred to you that maybe I WANT TO BE MARRIED?! The insensitivity of your questioning. The nerve of your prodding. The unmitigated gall of your hypocrisy. The idea that I should have to prove my worth to you mere mortals when the God of the universe loves me and already calls me worthy.
Biblical instruction says issa man supposed to be looking for me. Have you told your son how this is supposed to go? Are you asking him about his readiness to lead and cover? Instead, you poke at my self-esteem, question my sexuality, tell me to prove myself, and act like I’m the one not doing the work. Or worse, imply that I’m not whole until I'm married.
Enough.
I am a whole person. And I don’t mean “whole” as in the colloquial term we commonly use to describe everything. I mean I am WHOLE. Complete. Imperfect, but nothing lacking, missing, scattered, or broken.
My God affirms me daily and says I am enough. He calls me valuable. So, while I want to be married, I will patiently wait for a whole man who is purposed for me. Not married just to be married. WELL MARRIED and living in wholeness and purpose together.
And notice I didn’t say he has to have the things I have or measure up to some “list” I don't have. I said what I said: whole and about His purpose. That's two whole people complimenting each other and moving as one. I still believe that at the appointed time, the Lord God will make it happen.
Until such a time, I respectfully ask that the saints consider what they say and how they resolve their curiosity.
No, I'm not married and you can stop asking. You should stop asking. I promise you, you will know when it happens. I’m changing my name, twirling through the pews, and pulling out my best “I’s married now” impression every chance I get.
And if it never happens, I maintain that My. Life. Is. Not. Any. Less. Fulfilled.
For the people in the overflow, hear me: If you are not out here making Spirit-led introductions or vouching for a whole man who loves God that won’t stress out my edges, just smile and wave and keep it moving.
Pastor Cindy Trimm just got married for the first time at 60 years old IN A PANDEMIC and sis looks blessed! Proof that God is able and still doing His good work. I'm good with that. Whole, loved, and willing to wait...
“Whew! Ladies, what has been your experience with being questioned about your relationship status? Fellas, are you prepared to be a WHOLE man in marriage? Comment Below. ”
