Ask The Preacher's Wife: How Can We Tell My Brother Not To Bring Food To The Cookout?

“Dear Lady Mel,

We are doing our best to survive Covid-19. Our family has kept our distance from one another, but during these summer months, we have planned a few cookouts.

I only have one concern. My brother thinks he is a BBQ Pitmaster. He is always talking about his skills in the kitchen and told us he is planning to man the grill and handle all the sides at our first cookout.

But the man CANNOT cook! All the ribs are always hard and dry and last year, he made crab salad that gave us all stomach problems. How can we tell him, in a Christian way, not to bring food to the cookout?”

— Derrick, Philadelphia PA

Bro…..I’m cracking up! It’s not funny, but I’ve had ribs in the past that were so dry, you could only chew the meat and then spit it out. Swallowing was simply impossible!

Listen, if you remember in my blog post, What To Take To Black Thanksgiving When You Don't Hear The Ancestors In The Kitchen, I am not the greatest in the kitchen. I mean if we’re gonna keep it 100, my family demoted me from Ice Duty to “Just bring yourself”.

Sadly, this makes me ready, willing and able to answer this question. In my family, I AM your brother. As a matter of fact, I’m the person in the thumbnail image standing in the background away from the grill. That’s my permanent cookout position; close enough to the food to get my plate first, but far enough away to not be mistaken for the cook.

Real Talk: ALL MY LIFE I HAD TO FIGHT!

It all started that ONE little tiny time I was tasked to make the bread at Thanksgiving. I decided against Hawaiian Rolls, because like most Black folk, we aren’t following the warming instructions on the package, and simply putting them out on the table seemed too elementary.

Oh no, this was my time to shine! And I was going to make it count!

I settled on Pillsbury Crescent Rolls. With a little time and effort, I’d be serving little buttery golden pieces of heaven, that would surely please my family’s high-sidity cooking skills. Don’t get me wrong, my family isn’t conceited, but my mom and my aunt SHO NUFF KNOW they can throw down in the kitchen.

Tears of joy trickled down my cheeks as I prepared those rolls, thinking of the joy they would bring to my family. I pictured it like a TV commercial where everyone bites down and chews in slow motion, as they close their eyes and savor each bite while soft music plays softly in the background.

But stuff like that only happens on TV. It did NOT go down that way with my family.

As soon as my IGNANT cousin bit down he hollered;

These Jawns Burnt!

Note: Jawn is Philly slang used to replace a noun (person, place, or thing).

Everybody erupted into laughter. Even my sweet, innocent grandmother, threw her head back to belt out loud screams.

Who knew that in tiny print next to the regular cooking instructions were special instructions for cooking the rolls in a dark, non-stick pan?

But, ever since then, I’m not allowed to contribute to any family meals. So when I tell you how to respond to your brother, trust that I am speaking from experience.

The Bad Cop

Now listen up! This approach is not really bad, but it is direct and to the point. This approach is NOT the approach to use when you are trying to soothe fragile egos. No, this approach clearly says “You ain’t finna mess up this cookout with those raggedy ribs”

So, when your brother asks, “Hey bro, what do you want me to throw on the grill this year”, you respond by busting out laughing.

No, I’m dead serious, bust out laughing and ask “Are you kidding me?” Then continue laughing.

Nothing sends a message of “your food is nasty” more than several minutes of uninterrupted laughing, followed by “Don’t worry about bringing anything”.

My Aunt Carolyn is definitely the Bad Cop in my family!

The Good Cop

This approach is used when you are really trying to let someone down easy.

Even though the receiver will immediately think the response is because their food sucks, they will walk away with at least 50% of their pride and dignity in tact. The other 50% of their feelings are confused and wondering if the person just called their food nasty.

The truth is, they have in fact made it clear that your food is unseasoned, unsettling, and most likely, unsightly.

So again, when your brother asks “Hey man, what what should I throw on the grill at the cookout?”, you respond by saying “ Welllllllllllll, we really have it all covered this year. We want everyone to come and relax.”

Note: If the person follows up with “Just bring ice”, your food is fit for nothing more than the garbage can.

My mom Juanita is the Good Cop in my family!

The Broker

In every family, there are people that can get what they want from certain family members. If you pay attention, these one of a kind gifts to humanity can deliver messages, make requests and deliver not so good news. And the truth is, they ALWAYS get what they want.

It’s important to pay attention and plan thoughtfully, because if you send in the wrong person, everything will go horribly wrong.

Note: Your broker must be adorably cute!

When your brother asks “What do ya’ll want me to cook for the BBQ?”, you quickly bring in your broker.

Your broker will do a wide variety of things, including change the subject, talk about the weather, and make requests for other items. But at the end of the conversion, best believe your brother will be bamboozled and hoodwinked, not knowing what happened to him. His initial question and the non-answer will be long forgotten.

The Broker: My Cousin Eve who will be attending Delaware State University in the Fall 2020

If I can be honest, I’ve used my little cousin Eve as my broker since she was old enough to talk. As soon as I heard my Aunt Carolyn (Eve’s grandmom) tell her “Eve, you can’t have any dessert until you are done with your sandwich”, and I saw Eve walk to the sink, throw the sandwich in it, and proclaim “All done”, I KNEW she was the chosen one.

Since then, I’ve told Eve to ask for a plethora of things on my behalf.

Fried fish on a random Tuesday…Eve gets the job done.

Random cookouts just because…Eve gets the job done.

Sweet potato pies for non-holidays…Yep….Eve is the person to make sure it happens.

In fact, at our last family cookout, I got Eve to request Macaroni and Cheese. Ya’ll don’t understand; my Aunt Carolyn was on a break from making Macaroni and Cheese, and I honestly didn’t think it would happen.

But thanks be to God, guess what was nice and hot out of the oven at the cookout? Aunt Carolyn’s famous mac and cheese.

Bless you Eve!

So there you have it D! I guarantee these methods will work with your brother. The days of ya’ll having to choke down crispy hotdogs and drink non-name brand sodas are OVER!

Ya’ll be safe out there! Stay masked up!

Lady Mel

“Do you have any other suggestions on how to let folk know they can’t cook? Let us know! Your response can help save someone’s cookout during this summer season! Comment below. ”